


Growing.

by Spiritdrop



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Not really a character tho, Original work - Freeform, Physical hurt, Second person POV, Shitty writting will be shitty, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, depressed reader, not really sure on that tag honestly but I feel it applies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 10:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12056748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spiritdrop/pseuds/Spiritdrop
Summary: When you were really little you used to love everything. You were so innocent. You didn't even understand there was any bad in the world. You were so blissfully innocent and everything was perfect.Then you grew older.You wish you didn't grow older.





	Growing.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry in advance if this is shitty because I honestly do not have the heart right now to go through this and try to correct things.

When you were really little you used to love everything. You were so innocent. You didn't even understand there was any bad in the world. You were so blissfully innocent and everything was perfect.

Then you grew older.

You wish you didn't grow older.

Because suddenly all these new realizations started to pile onto your mind. People were bad. You're family wasn't perfect. Bad things can happen.

\-----

You still remember one night you and your mother were sitting on her bed watching a movie. The movie was innocent enough, considering you were only seven but one thing stuck out to you the most out of all the movie scenes. It was snowing, it was snowing and there was a man in a car. It didn't seem bad at first.

Then he started speeding against the icy road and the camera switched to the mans frowning face as his car slammed into the closest tree, the car folding in on itself from the force. The movie showed the mans' limp body before switching to his family gathered around a Christmas tree. 

You were horrified and confused, why on Earth would a movie show that? Did he die?! What happened?!

You lightly tugged on your mothers' shirt, when she looked at your face she asked what was wrong, your only reply was, "Mommy what just happened...?"

She hesitated before stating, "That man just killed himself." She'd always been painfully blunt.

Your heart hurt ask you asked quietly, "Why?"

She didn't have an answer.

You kept watching the movie.

\-----

When you turned eight you could understand the guy in the movie. You could understand why he wanted to die so badly. You could relate to him sometimes.

It was never all the time for you. Mostly just in the really bad moments.

Like when you and your sister fought and you hit her, sometimes your rage just got the best of you. She would cry, she would cry and you would regret everything.

You never wanted to make someone cry. You never wanted to make someone hurt. You did though.

And then you knew if someone cried punishment always came. Sometimes you'd accept it and let your mother hit you as your punishment because you deserved it for making someone cry. It was only fair that if you hit your sister until she cried that you get hit too.

You still remember though the times you used your small body to slip between your mother's bed and the wall and sit there and cry. You always made sure to be silent because whenever you hid from punishment when she found you the hits would be hard or she'd grab the belt. You'd keep crying until they found you, and even after your punishment you'd keep crying.

You'd cry until your body couldn't take it and start gagging and feeling disgusting but you couldn't stop. The salty tears would run into your mouth as you would dryly gag curled up on the floor or your bed. You were such a cry baby.

It was always moments like that where you wanted to die. 

Then the next day you'd wake up and smile like nothing happened because as long as no one brought it up, nothing did happen.

\-----

You grew older by years and the thoughts of dying started appearing more and more. 

You remember your school gave everyone tests about their home life and how they felt emotionally.

You looked at the questions and froze for a few seconds before answering them.

"Do you love your family?"  
Yes.

"Does anyone in your family scare you?"  
No.  
(Yes, your parents scared you but only when you did something bad.)

"Do you have any siblings?"  
Yes.

"Do you love your siblings?"  
Yes.

"How is your home life?"  
Good.

"Do your parents ever hit you?"  
No.  
(Your mom told you to lie on tests like this. You wouldn't want to break a rule, these answers don't really matter anyways.)

"Are you happy?"  
Yes.  
(The tests don't matter.)

\-----

Sometimes you'd cry yourself to sleep quietly because the stress of everything had you strung up so tight. This life probably wasn't healthy.

You don't think it is at least. You don't speak about it though because if you ever were taken from your parents you don't know what you'd do. You love them so much.

You love them and they love you even if they hit you once in awhile, they'd never left deep bruises painted across your skin so it wasn't that bad anyways. You and your sister loved your parents. 

If you parted with them you'd wish for death even more. You don't want to lose people you love. They make things better. 

You still love your parents.

You still wish you didn't grow older.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone here reads my other story The Results and questioning why I seem to have disappeard for the past month I justt couldn't bring myself to write anything because I've been so depressed and just all around a shit show lol.
> 
> I'm working on Chapter nine. And I'd like to say that I'm not dead.


End file.
